No Thanks


Looking back, I equated loss with the feeling of being lost but giving up was never an option. Continuing to show up in the face of loss was necessary, I just needed to find tools to propel me forward. My inherit nature of being impatient kicked my ass into gear and forced me to dig up all kinds of tools that I thought would help. I searched for self-help books, friends who would lend an ear, audio books and reached out to a life coach, someone who was neutral and could help me analyze my situation with a clear mind. Where I found the strength to get out of bed and do all of this I have no idea but I am eternally grateful for all the help I had. The start of it all was to be aware, aware of the situation, aware of where your at and where you want to be. Aware that I must always show up no matter how hard and always own up to my mistakes. Only then could I find a way to be better and to live better. I wanted and needed to be better. I needed to learn to live with empathy and to love myself again but in order to do so, I needed to look in the mirror and face the immense pain that comes with loss. Sounds like a solid enough reason but I’ll be honest, peeling myself off the floor the first time was damn hard.

Having the strength to admit you need help and to ask for help is never easy. I’m not going to sit hear and tell you the road was easy because it was far from it. There were moments of light but there were definitely moments where standing up straight and simply walking seemed like the end of the world. But if your willing to step one foot forward, the rest gets easier each day. One of the goals I wrote down more than a year ago was to resurrect my passion again. It’s simple – visual storytelling. I had put down my camera, pens and pencils for many years now. It took me awhile to answer the question as to why I had put it aside for so many years but thinking back, the answer was right in front of me. Someone once told me, your work lacks meaning, lacks thoughtfulness. Needless to say this persons words, meant a lot to me although at the time they may have viewed it as a passing comment. Once again, I allowed someone to dictate my life. I allowed them. They didn’t allow themselves. Remember that, I made the choice because I have ownership of my life. In a state of loss, I surrendered to the negative energy that shrouded my judgment. I subsequently chose to live vicariously through someone else’s dream instead of my own. It just seemed easier at the time. So I took the easy way out.

Anyone can take a good photo. With today’s technology and access to amazing camera phones and apps, anyone can digitally enhance a great photo. But what are you trying to communicate? What story are you trying to tell and what emotions does it evoke? Life has a funny way of working and after the year I’ve had, I have plenty of material to tap into and I’m ready to tell my story. I’m eternally grateful for a friend who once asked this of me – what are you trying to say? Having passion for something is only half the battle. Giving meaning makes it whole.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to back down. When given the choice, I will always chose to show up no matter how dark the day may seem. Those that know me, know that I will cry and silence my demons and then when the time is right, I will come back in fighting form. I will not let loss or a shroud of negative energy define me. Loss is but one of many life lessons we all go through and with every lesson, I will seize the opportunity to deliver my message.


Show up, always show up.


Narrative: Kaizen

Photography: Kaizen