No Thanks


August 7 2018 marks the day of my return, post trauma. 

To experience in mind, body and soul post trauma, coming out the other side and to feel whole again is an indescribable feeling. All I can say, you'll know once you've reached the other side. That feeling seeps in and no matter what you say or what others say, nothing can kick it. 

What makes the experience even more special is to share this moment with the ones who stood by me throughout the journey from pre-trauma, to trauma and finally post-trauma. Living in this moment, now, and building new memories together is something I will cherish forever. 

Mike Shinoda, your every word, your every reminder gives me hope that entering the other side post trauma is something to look forward to. Stay humble, stay honest, stay true to your feelings, never stop creating and never stop showing up. To experience your honesty, rawness, intense determination and creativity has truly been the most important inspiration as I learned to cope and become whole again these past 2 years. 

It's ok to not know what to do and to lie on the floor in solitude. It's ok to get lost in your mind and find yourself at a loss for words when someone asks you if your ok. No, I'm not fucking ok. It's ok to cry for help and know that those that love you are listening, hearing, and feeling your pain. It's ok to only just begin to learn how to say goodbye, like a child learns how to say hello. No one teaches you how to say goodbye. No one teaches you how to handle loss. Yes, it's a part of life but I'll be damned if I was born to know what death means, to know how death feels and just move on. I wasn't born to shut my feelings out. I wasn't taught to shut it down. I'll feel all I want to feel, and I'll speak about it, or be one with my grief. They are honest, raw and they are me. It's ok to sit in your grief and it's ok to cry. It's ok to begin to find comfort in laughter again and most importantly, it's ok to celebrate. 

"Any of you guys that have been through something traumatic, any of you that have lost somebody that you love, its important to celebrate them, it's important to remember the awesome things about them." Mike Shinoda 

Right then and there, I lost myself in the moment. Dad, this ones for you. Your damn awesome and I'll never forget that. 

The other side looks pretty fucking brilliant if you ask me.